Halfway There!

So yesterday was Laetare Sunday.  We had a small debate in the choir on how to pronounce this word, but it looks like the official correct answer is "Lay-tar-ay".  It means rejoice, which is kind of odd in the middle of a solemn season, but also kind of not.  It gives us a little push to make it over the halfway mark and into Easter.  We rejoice in knowing that 40 days in the desert will end in resurrection.  

This week is where things really kick into high gear for me, though.  There's a lot of music to go over and learn in a short amount of time.  And there's some scheduling issues that need to be worked out to make it all happen. 

I'm kind of stressed but I know things will all work out in the end.  They always do.  But it's time to buckle down.  Until next time.

The Dark

I've been dragging my feet on posting again because I keep thinking, there's no way I can even come close to or match what I've already said to the world.  Sometimes our "messes" catch up to us, we feel like we can't put our best self out there, so we hide.  There's a prominent Christian artist--Mandisa--who has a podcast, a book, and a CD all titled "Out of the Dark".  I love Mandisa because she is real, she is raw, and she doesn't hide.  She got her start on American Idol, when Simon told her that she was too fat and she'd never make it in pop music.  She has been embraced and thrived in the world of Christian music and it's inspirational to me how she took those words and used them to send her message to the world--"Oh yeah?!? WATCH me!".  She has allowed herself to trust that God will use her journey through depression and anxiety to move mountains.  And through that openness and trust, so many lives have been impacted and changed.

I'm here to tell you, sometimes I live in the dark.  I get restless, I feel like I'm going to burst out of my own skin.  I interpret the actions of others in a way that isn't fair to them--things like "why didn't they answer my email, don't they care about me?".  I start looking for validation from others instead of from within.  I fail to hear the voice of God screaming at me "Hey, child of mine!  I love you!  Yes, you!  I love YOU!".  In a world where social justice is at the forefront of everyone's minds, I feel like I can't even achieve personal happiness some days so there's no way I can impact the world.  And I feel inadequate.  I feel like I've failed.

Then I remember that I have children.  And that my children see what I do and how I behave and that I am the one who will help them know that they can make a difference.  A lot of times, it's too much, if I'm honest.  Some days I say to God "you picked the wrong gal for the job".  And He looks at me with a smile and says "My child, you are beautiful.  Go, do, and be what you are made to be."

How do we get out of the dark?  Do we rely on others?  Do we pray?  Do we trust and hope that God works in and through the world around us and the He will show up for us, every day, if we allow Him the opportunity?  This Sunday's Gospel will be about Jesus healing a blind man.  But in our faith journey it isn't just about physical blindness.  There's a metaphor there.  We were blind, but then we saw.  It's like the Allegory of the Cave, right?  Once we step outside, into the light, we cannot go back.  We don't "see" the world in the same way.  Our God moves and works within us to bring us out of the darkness and to be fully Whole and Healed in his Light.  

Pray with me that all who find themselves in the dark might soon have eyes to see the light.  And that they may know that they too can make a difference.  Until next time, dear readers.

Idols

Good morning, dear readers.  This morning I woke up at 5am with some gunk in my throat.  I ended up not being able to get back to sleep, so my brain has been spinning for a good 3 hours now.  The kids are off to school, and the house is quiet.

I've been wondering, who is it that you idolize in your life?  Is there anybody worthy of such a distinction?  Because it seems like our society is so desperate to have somebody to look up to, that they will gravitate towards the first person that catches their attention.  There are people in this world that I admire, for sure, and I do believe my reasons for looking up to these people are valid.  I tend to admire the people whose hearts are the most open, whose lives are testaments to the Spirit of God living inside of them.  The people who do good in the world and who inspire others to do the same, not by shaming them or making them feel bad, but by showing them what it means to be a person of faith, a person with values, a person who knows the true meaning of what it means to be holy.  But even those people are human and will make mistakes.  There is nobody on the planet who succeeds are being perfectly holy 100% of the time.  That's why we need Jesus.

Recently a friend of mine suggested that even Jesus wasn't perfect.  And that makes my head spin a little bit, makes me want to dig into my faith just a little deeper.  Because we believe that Jesus was fully human, but that he was the son of God.  He was sent to show us how to live.  I look at the way Jesus got angry sometimes, how he questioned God's will for him, how he spoke out against evil with boldness and truth.  Jesus was anything but a passive witness to the Gospel!  I want to do more, when I consider all that Jesus is and represents for us as Christians.  And there have been countless others since him--Mother Theresa, JPII, so many saints--who weren't perfect but who were certainly Divinely inspired.  And maybe that is what we should strive for.  

In my personal life, I have always favored the underdog.  Maybe it is because I have a bit of an underdog story myself, though people look at me and think I have everything.  And I probably do, compared to some.  I've always been a quick learner, I have natural skills and talents, and I am generally pretty healthy.  But I have to work hard like everybody else.  My grandpa paid for my piano lessons when I was a kid but it was up to me to practice, to put in the time, to make something of my experience.  Nobody handed that to me.  And I don't have a solid family background like a lot of people.  I can't really ask my family members for advice.  I have to figure out life on my own.  Again, I'm glad for my faith.  I do my best to live as God would want me to live.  But I'm going to mess things up.  We all are.  Hopefully at the end of the day, our God remains our one true idol--the one who we know will never leave us or forsake us.  The one who will love us unconditionally through all of our gunk. 

Something to chew on, eh?  Until next time.

Spiritual Cleansing

This morning I have a dentist appointment.  The last time I was at the dentist was for a root canal--about a year ago.  I've had two cavities filled in addition to the root canal, and I suspect this appointment will reveal the need for more.  There is nothing enjoyable about going to the dentist.  But if I'm honest, regular flossing and better eating would certainly help.  I can't expect to have perfectly healthy teeth without putting in the effort.

I think the same is true in our spiritual lives.  Being a person of faith requires us to look beyond the present moment.  In the moment, a yummy chocolate bar is delicious.  But lots of yummy chocolate bars over time will cause cavities.  In the moment, skipping out on prayer and fasting and meditation can seem like the right choice.  But over time, if we don't nourish and take care of our spirit, the "dirt" will move in and cause erosion and pain.  

I will admit that I am not always the best at taking care of my spirit.  But I am trying to do better.  With my kids in school, I have a lot of time to myself during the day.  I have started listening to more podcasts and audiobooks, and sometimes, just sitting in silence.  I have been working on my thoughts as well, and I want to share with you a book that I have been reading, called Get Out of Your Head.

It approaches positive mental health from a biblical perspective.  It does claim to be for a female audience but honestly I find the concepts in it to be pretty universal.  There is a mix of good and bad reviews on the Amazon product page, which as you may know, should be taken with a grain of salt.  Everybody's experience is going to come from their own space, which may or may not match with where you are at spiritually.

I think God is calling me (in a loud voice) to "get out on my head" this Lenten season.  I think I am called to do that at every moment of every day, but what better time than Lent to try and hunker down and put in the work?  This is a lifelong un-doing for me, but I know there is a God who loves me enough to sacrifice His Son for my sins, so, why not love on myself a little as well?  Have you ever heard the phrase "if you could just see yourself the way I see you..."?  Every person on the planet has somebody that thinks they are the world.  Can we dare to think the world of ourselves?  Can we value our hearts and our spirits enough to dig deep and do the work and purify ourselves in Christ?  That is what this journey is about.   

Forgiveness and Mercy

This season is all about looking into ourselves and admitting that we are flawed and in need of God's mercy.  And in doing so, we are reminded that sometimes we need to show each other mercy.  So I set out to do just that, with a person who feels that I have hurt them, and who hurt me as well.  I really wanted to make it right.  I sent a card, in which I let them know that I was hurt, but that I also understood why things happened as they did, and that I forgive them, and I hope they can forgive me.  I wished them all the best.  I was looking to make amends and put it behind me.  Unfortunately, this person returned the card unopened, marked it "refused" and "return to sender".  So I asked the heavens what that was supposed to mean, and what I was supposed to do.  Ultimately I have received peace in knowing that I have done what I can, and I continue to pray for this other person daily.   

Our God seeks to show us His love and mercy every day.  Sometimes, we return his efforts with a giant "refused" on the envelope.  Sometimes our walls are up so thick, that we just don't think that anybody could possibly love us.  We feel empty, and we try to fill that emptiness with "things", or with "whatever feels good".  This morning our homily was about making room in our hearts for God.  That can be difficult, when we don't love ourselves fully enough.  We ask ourselves, "Am I worthy of all of this love and mercy stuff?"  The answer is--absolutely!  But what if I've messed everything up, what if my world has completely fallen apart, what if I am at my lowest of lows?  That, I would think, is when we are in the most need, and indeed--the most worthy.  God is a funny fella.  He doesn't expect us to be at our best.  He loves us at our worst.  He knows that loving the "least of these" speaks volumes more than expecting our perfection. 

It is my hope and prayer that everything I do in this season and in this life communicates that "unperfect" love to those around me.  To my family, to my kids, to my friends--I love you all unconditionally.  One thing that I think really helps is to seek understanding between each other.  If something happens that is hurtful, seek clarification.  Chances are good, things were not meant in the way they were perceived.  We can seek clarification about what our God means and wants for us too by digging into his word, by praying, and by going to church.  Fill the void you may be feeling in your heart with goodness, and good things will come back to you tenfold.  Until next time, dear readers.

Happy Lent

Call me crazy, but I think Lent is my favorite season.  Yesterday we celebrated the official beginning of Lent, with Ash Wednesday services at church.  My husband Greg and I attended the school Mass at St Luke with the kids in the morning, and I played for Mass at Holy Trinity in the evening.  This season encourages us to look into ourselves, to reflect on who we are and who God calls us to be, and to prepare for Jesus' death and resurrection.

I think a lot of people see this as a "doom and gloom" season.  All of the music in church shifts to a more minor or reflective tone.  We take the word "Alleluia"  out of the liturgy completely.  We don't sing the Gloria, we simplify musical accompaniments as much as possible.  The décor in the church is reduced.  The water fonts are drained.  We lament our humanness and we ask God to show us mercy.  We seek to be better Christians, we eliminate "junk" from our lives and try to hyper-focus on our relationship with Christ. I think there's something kind of unique and awe-inspiring, to go through a period of "suffering" that you know will end in victory.  I think of it like having children.  Those hours of labor are tough and intense, but being able to hold the baby in the end and feel their skin on yours makes it all worth it.  We know the rest of the story.  Every year we are reminded that our salvation came at a high price.  We retell the story so that we don't forget.  And in this reminder we appreciate the sacrifice Jesus made for us all the more.

Every Lent since I can remember, my husband has given up junk food.  This past fall, his battle with Covid actually reduced his craving for sweets, long term.  He never lost taste or smell or any of that, but what once was a craving, is now little more than a "eh, that was ok" experience.  So maybe he'll give up something else, something harder, this year.  Maybe not.  For me, I've never gotten into the whole "let's give something up for Lent" idea.  A couple of years ago I gave up social media, and I'm trying to do that this year a little.  But I think for me it's more an idea of what will I do instead.  If I'm giving up social media, what am I putting in it's place.  Perhaps another way to look at it is I'm giving up being disconnected, I'm giving up apathy, I'm giving up self righteousness.  It is my hope that those things can foster some more long term changes, instead of "as soon as Lent is over, I'm eating a big cake!".  Ok, so my husband has also never approached it that way, but you get the point. 

I love being a musician, because I am able to say through music what I might not be able to covey with words.  Sometimes the music falls short of that goal, I will admit, but I do my best.  I try to pray about the ministry often.  I actually do not like to perform as a general rule, which I think actually makes my job easier.  The focus while in church must be on Jesus.  If the focus is on me, then I'm doing it wrong.  And I know that as soon as I rely on myself alone, that's where things will fall short.  It's always about Him.  It is because of Him that I am able to do what I do.

And speaking of playing for church, I've been keeping busy with funerals this season.  Three this week, and one next week.  I must go get ready.  Peace to you dear readers.