The Dark

I've been dragging my feet on posting again because I keep thinking, there's no way I can even come close to or match what I've already said to the world.  Sometimes our "messes" catch up to us, we feel like we can't put our best self out there, so we hide.  There's a prominent Christian artist--Mandisa--who has a podcast, a book, and a CD all titled "Out of the Dark".  I love Mandisa because she is real, she is raw, and she doesn't hide.  She got her start on American Idol, when Simon told her that she was too fat and she'd never make it in pop music.  She has been embraced and thrived in the world of Christian music and it's inspirational to me how she took those words and used them to send her message to the world--"Oh yeah?!? WATCH me!".  She has allowed herself to trust that God will use her journey through depression and anxiety to move mountains.  And through that openness and trust, so many lives have been impacted and changed.

I'm here to tell you, sometimes I live in the dark.  I get restless, I feel like I'm going to burst out of my own skin.  I interpret the actions of others in a way that isn't fair to them--things like "why didn't they answer my email, don't they care about me?".  I start looking for validation from others instead of from within.  I fail to hear the voice of God screaming at me "Hey, child of mine!  I love you!  Yes, you!  I love YOU!".  In a world where social justice is at the forefront of everyone's minds, I feel like I can't even achieve personal happiness some days so there's no way I can impact the world.  And I feel inadequate.  I feel like I've failed.

Then I remember that I have children.  And that my children see what I do and how I behave and that I am the one who will help them know that they can make a difference.  A lot of times, it's too much, if I'm honest.  Some days I say to God "you picked the wrong gal for the job".  And He looks at me with a smile and says "My child, you are beautiful.  Go, do, and be what you are made to be."

How do we get out of the dark?  Do we rely on others?  Do we pray?  Do we trust and hope that God works in and through the world around us and the He will show up for us, every day, if we allow Him the opportunity?  This Sunday's Gospel will be about Jesus healing a blind man.  But in our faith journey it isn't just about physical blindness.  There's a metaphor there.  We were blind, but then we saw.  It's like the Allegory of the Cave, right?  Once we step outside, into the light, we cannot go back.  We don't "see" the world in the same way.  Our God moves and works within us to bring us out of the darkness and to be fully Whole and Healed in his Light.  

Pray with me that all who find themselves in the dark might soon have eyes to see the light.  And that they may know that they too can make a difference.  Until next time, dear readers.