A Good Person

So it has been a couple of months since I've posted an update.  I've had a number of things this summer that I've wanted to write about, and will probably play catchup in the next couple of months.  But today I find myself pondering what it means to be "a good person".

In the Bible, when God says "just love one another!", it seems to be a pretty straight forward command.  But we live in a society that seems very confused about what "love" means.  As a parent, the best way for me to love my children is to show them (without question) what is right and wrong.  And to hold them accountable for their actions.  And to expect good behavior, and respect.  If we love each other the way a parent loves a child, would we all be better people?  I run into a lot of parents who "just want Johnny to be happy".  And while happiness is certainly a goal, I think we have to go a little deeper.  I want my kids to be full of joy.  To know a lasting happiness that comes from God alone.  When we fill our lives with surface level happiness, we end up feeling empty.  And when we are empty, we have nothing left to pour into anybody else.  

I do pray for God to help me be a better person each day.  And I think being a good person comes down to how we love.  If my friends make a choice that I don't agree with, do I shame them, or do I politely offer a different perspective, try to get them to think differently, etc.  Do I ask questions, seeking to understand?  And just because I don't agree, does that make me right and them wrong?  What is our litmus test for what is right and what is wrong?  Just because it's popular or makes us feel good, is it really right?  

I think good people are willing to go deeper than the surface.  What we see in any given moment is only part of the story.  Why does that guy over there always talk so loud? (he's hard of hearing)  Why does that person never allow people to see their true selves (they've been hurt too many times).  Being willing to go deeper, in all things, helps us to be the best person we can be.  To love like God loves.  

And that's my two cents for today.  Have a great week everybody!

Happy Easter!

OK, so I'm a little late on posting this.  That's because the week after Easter I took some time to go home and visit family, which was a welcomed break.  It has always been difficult for me to sit and do nothing, to not have plans at all.  But I did just that, for 5 days as my kids and I hung out in NP with a couple of their cousins.  The first couple of days were cold and wet so there was a lot of hotel swimming, but by the end of the week we enjoyed playing outside at the park.  I feel like we experienced all seasons in 5 days, as we drove north in 29 degrees and snow, and then we had some spring rains, and finally on Friday we returned when it was sunny and in the mid 70s.  I started thinking maybe it was a bit like the Triduum, right?  I mean, it did get progressively better during that week.  And we do have the hope of a warm and sunny summer ahead.  The rains are needed to nourish the ground, to prepare it for growth, so that beauty and abundance can spring forth.  

As Catholics, the Easter season lasts 50 days, compared to the 40 days of Lent.  So we have a good bit to dig into the resurrection and the effect that had on Jesus's disciples and the effect it has on us as his people.  I was talking to a friend recently, a fellow Catholic, and they were like "after Easter you can breathe for a bit right?" and I was like "well then there's the Easter season.." and they said "But that's nothin' compared to Triduum and Easter right?".  Well, I'm not so sure.  In my church I keep the choir active until the Feast of Corpus Christi (or Body and Blood of Christ), so all the way until the first weekend in June.  It gets a little hot in the choir loft after that (no AC in our 158 year old church) so I allow them the opportunity to break for summer.  But the days leading up to that, Pentecost, Ascension, Trinity Sunday--it's like a post-Easter marathon in a way.  There are sequences that are sung on two of those days, and our church, being called Holy Trinity, always has a celebration after the Trinity Sunday Mass.  We also have first communion and confirmation, so, lots of stuff.  

I feel the need to pace myself a bit though, as my body is already screaming at me.  I'm having what I am now calling my "post Easter pain in the neck".  Playing the organ and tilting my head upwards to see the music has taken it's toll on my spine, and this morning I'm going in for a Chiropractic adjustment to alleviate some severe neck, shoulder, and sciatica pain.  I hope it helps but I think my next step may be to get into some therapy, where I do regular exercises and stretches to keep this from happening too often.  I will need to see my primary doc at the base to see what they can recommend.  I am only 35 with a lot of life ahead of me (Lord willing) but I knew from a young age that my back was a bit wonky.  I just never had the resources to try and do anything about it.  Maybe attacking it now while I'm still young will make for a better and less pain-filled future.

So that's the latest from this mommy.  I don't anticipate much "resting" this summer, as we have the kids going to all kinds of camps and activities, and before we know it, it will be August and school will return.  Life keeps moving forward one day at a time.  Until next time, friends.

Get out of the Boat

Alas, it is Friday, hooray!  This week has been an interesting one.  On Sunday and Monday night, I had the chance to attend a retreat at another local parish, featuring Catholic composer and musician, Steve Angrisano.  It was just a couple of hours each night, but the time was filled with laughter, song, reflection, and call to action.  One thing that sticks with me is a book he shared, called "If you want to walk on water, you gotta get out of the boat".  He read an excerpt, and I will be looking the book up on Amazon.  The basic premise, of course, is that it is up to us to take that "leap of faith" to give God the opportunity to show us all that He can do in our lives.  If we sit comfortably, we'll be comfortable, but nothing will change.  To achieve greatness, we must be willing to leap.  

A similar message was shared on Thursday evening, at a partnership dinner for a local women's center.  The Elizabeth New Life Center is a charity that helps women who find themselves in unwanted pregnancies to be able to make a better more heart friendly choice than abortion.  There was a woman there who had 5 boys, and when she got pregnant with the 6th, she knew she would not be able to provide him a good life, so the ENLC helped her to put him up for open adoption.  She can still see him and he is thriving.  She was present at the banquet and everybody stood and applauded her courage and strength.  There was a keynote speaker, and he shared the analogy "If you want to do great things, you've got to get off your donkey".  He was using this analogy to compel us to give generously to the organization, but, is is essentially the same idea.  We have to make the first move.  We have to make room for God to show up for us.

It's interesting to me that this message has come at me twice this past week.  God knows that I can be a bit dense.  Like, it takes some serious screaming and pushing to get me to do the right thing sometimes.  A lot of people question, "What does God want from me?".  And so do I, but often times, the moment I open my heart to the answer, I realize it's been there in big bold print the entire time.  My comfort zone (the boat, if you will), is to remain in the background.  I would like to just live my life unnoticed.  That way, if I happen to mess up (and I will), it will impact just a few people instead of a bunch.  But what seems abundantly clear to me now more than ever is that I was not made to hide in the background.  

Guys, this is where I need your prayers.  Because I really don't know if I have what it takes.  Will I always make the best decisions?  Will I treat people with 100% respect and dignity at all times?  Will I make a positive impact?  Pray with me that we can find the courage to get out of the boat this season.  That we can successfully tell our fear to "take a hike" and that God can work his power and beauty within us. Until next time, dear readers.

Friendship

Let's face it.  Friendships are hard.  Adult friendships are super hard.  But I have to share how my kids have recently inspired me in this area.

The other day, classes got back their spring portrait prints in school.  One of my 3rd grader's classmates, a boy whom he adores, had a different kind of expression on his face in his picture.  The other kids in the class started pointing and laughing at him, drawing attention to his photo.  This child started crying, and not a single classmate let up or apologized.  But my son, my sweet 8 year old, stood next to his friend, hugged him, told him he didn't look bad, not to listen to those others.  In the face of literally everybody else doing the opposite thing, my son stood beside his friend and let him know that he was there for him.  That he wasn't like the others.  I'm actually crying now as I write this.  As his parent, I want to take credit.  But that's all him.  This sweet boy of mine, he's a light in our lives.

Next, my 5th grade daughter has a friend who lives down the street from us.  Her friend hasn't had things easy in life.  Sometimes the friend acts out, does and says things that are less than friendly.  The other day her friend had a foam sword covered in red paint, ran after my daughter with it, and said she was going to kill her.  As an adult, I'm looking at the foam sword thinking "ok this is mostly harmless".  But it actually scared my daughter.  She did not find it funny.  She took the time to let her friend know that is not ok.  You don't threaten your friends.  The friend has lied on occasion too, and even in this incident claimed that it wasn't her, that she was actually asleep.  This sounds like a bit of a psychological issue that needs deeper attention to me, but that aside, my daughter is working through what it means to be friends with this girl.  She is learning be clear about what is ok and what is not, and to hold her friends accountable.  And that is a huge skill that I sure wish I had the guidance to develop when I was 10 years old.

As an adult, I can safely say that I have less than a handful of really good friends.  I had a great friend group in college but a lot of us have gone our separate ways, so the connection does not feel as strong.  One or two of those friends remain on my "good friend" list.  There was one person that I met during college that was more of a mentor then, who only recently has started to become more like a close friend to me.  And there have been a number of layers of complication to the process, but we both desire this growth and we've been willingly putting in the work.  It's rewarding but it's not easy.  I do miss when friendship was easy.  

I pray every day that I'm the kind of person that people want to be friends with.  This morning I saw a post on Facebook that said something like "I no longer pour into cups that don't pour into mine".  And it made me a little sad, because I would think that a friend would want to give to other people, regardless of what they would get in return.  But maybe it's more about what my daughter learned above, about setting boundaries and sticking to them.  

So I continue to pray and I continue to ask for all good things in my life.  I thank God every day for my children.  I am a better human because of them.  Until next time, dear readers.

Halfway There!

So yesterday was Laetare Sunday.  We had a small debate in the choir on how to pronounce this word, but it looks like the official correct answer is "Lay-tar-ay".  It means rejoice, which is kind of odd in the middle of a solemn season, but also kind of not.  It gives us a little push to make it over the halfway mark and into Easter.  We rejoice in knowing that 40 days in the desert will end in resurrection.  

This week is where things really kick into high gear for me, though.  There's a lot of music to go over and learn in a short amount of time.  And there's some scheduling issues that need to be worked out to make it all happen. 

I'm kind of stressed but I know things will all work out in the end.  They always do.  But it's time to buckle down.  Until next time.

The Dark

I've been dragging my feet on posting again because I keep thinking, there's no way I can even come close to or match what I've already said to the world.  Sometimes our "messes" catch up to us, we feel like we can't put our best self out there, so we hide.  There's a prominent Christian artist--Mandisa--who has a podcast, a book, and a CD all titled "Out of the Dark".  I love Mandisa because she is real, she is raw, and she doesn't hide.  She got her start on American Idol, when Simon told her that she was too fat and she'd never make it in pop music.  She has been embraced and thrived in the world of Christian music and it's inspirational to me how she took those words and used them to send her message to the world--"Oh yeah?!? WATCH me!".  She has allowed herself to trust that God will use her journey through depression and anxiety to move mountains.  And through that openness and trust, so many lives have been impacted and changed.

I'm here to tell you, sometimes I live in the dark.  I get restless, I feel like I'm going to burst out of my own skin.  I interpret the actions of others in a way that isn't fair to them--things like "why didn't they answer my email, don't they care about me?".  I start looking for validation from others instead of from within.  I fail to hear the voice of God screaming at me "Hey, child of mine!  I love you!  Yes, you!  I love YOU!".  In a world where social justice is at the forefront of everyone's minds, I feel like I can't even achieve personal happiness some days so there's no way I can impact the world.  And I feel inadequate.  I feel like I've failed.

Then I remember that I have children.  And that my children see what I do and how I behave and that I am the one who will help them know that they can make a difference.  A lot of times, it's too much, if I'm honest.  Some days I say to God "you picked the wrong gal for the job".  And He looks at me with a smile and says "My child, you are beautiful.  Go, do, and be what you are made to be."

How do we get out of the dark?  Do we rely on others?  Do we pray?  Do we trust and hope that God works in and through the world around us and the He will show up for us, every day, if we allow Him the opportunity?  This Sunday's Gospel will be about Jesus healing a blind man.  But in our faith journey it isn't just about physical blindness.  There's a metaphor there.  We were blind, but then we saw.  It's like the Allegory of the Cave, right?  Once we step outside, into the light, we cannot go back.  We don't "see" the world in the same way.  Our God moves and works within us to bring us out of the darkness and to be fully Whole and Healed in his Light.  

Pray with me that all who find themselves in the dark might soon have eyes to see the light.  And that they may know that they too can make a difference.  Until next time, dear readers.

Idols

Good morning, dear readers.  This morning I woke up at 5am with some gunk in my throat.  I ended up not being able to get back to sleep, so my brain has been spinning for a good 3 hours now.  The kids are off to school, and the house is quiet.

I've been wondering, who is it that you idolize in your life?  Is there anybody worthy of such a distinction?  Because it seems like our society is so desperate to have somebody to look up to, that they will gravitate towards the first person that catches their attention.  There are people in this world that I admire, for sure, and I do believe my reasons for looking up to these people are valid.  I tend to admire the people whose hearts are the most open, whose lives are testaments to the Spirit of God living inside of them.  The people who do good in the world and who inspire others to do the same, not by shaming them or making them feel bad, but by showing them what it means to be a person of faith, a person with values, a person who knows the true meaning of what it means to be holy.  But even those people are human and will make mistakes.  There is nobody on the planet who succeeds are being perfectly holy 100% of the time.  That's why we need Jesus.

Recently a friend of mine suggested that even Jesus wasn't perfect.  And that makes my head spin a little bit, makes me want to dig into my faith just a little deeper.  Because we believe that Jesus was fully human, but that he was the son of God.  He was sent to show us how to live.  I look at the way Jesus got angry sometimes, how he questioned God's will for him, how he spoke out against evil with boldness and truth.  Jesus was anything but a passive witness to the Gospel!  I want to do more, when I consider all that Jesus is and represents for us as Christians.  And there have been countless others since him--Mother Theresa, JPII, so many saints--who weren't perfect but who were certainly Divinely inspired.  And maybe that is what we should strive for.  

In my personal life, I have always favored the underdog.  Maybe it is because I have a bit of an underdog story myself, though people look at me and think I have everything.  And I probably do, compared to some.  I've always been a quick learner, I have natural skills and talents, and I am generally pretty healthy.  But I have to work hard like everybody else.  My grandpa paid for my piano lessons when I was a kid but it was up to me to practice, to put in the time, to make something of my experience.  Nobody handed that to me.  And I don't have a solid family background like a lot of people.  I can't really ask my family members for advice.  I have to figure out life on my own.  Again, I'm glad for my faith.  I do my best to live as God would want me to live.  But I'm going to mess things up.  We all are.  Hopefully at the end of the day, our God remains our one true idol--the one who we know will never leave us or forsake us.  The one who will love us unconditionally through all of our gunk. 

Something to chew on, eh?  Until next time.

Spiritual Cleansing

This morning I have a dentist appointment.  The last time I was at the dentist was for a root canal--about a year ago.  I've had two cavities filled in addition to the root canal, and I suspect this appointment will reveal the need for more.  There is nothing enjoyable about going to the dentist.  But if I'm honest, regular flossing and better eating would certainly help.  I can't expect to have perfectly healthy teeth without putting in the effort.

I think the same is true in our spiritual lives.  Being a person of faith requires us to look beyond the present moment.  In the moment, a yummy chocolate bar is delicious.  But lots of yummy chocolate bars over time will cause cavities.  In the moment, skipping out on prayer and fasting and meditation can seem like the right choice.  But over time, if we don't nourish and take care of our spirit, the "dirt" will move in and cause erosion and pain.  

I will admit that I am not always the best at taking care of my spirit.  But I am trying to do better.  With my kids in school, I have a lot of time to myself during the day.  I have started listening to more podcasts and audiobooks, and sometimes, just sitting in silence.  I have been working on my thoughts as well, and I want to share with you a book that I have been reading, called Get Out of Your Head.

It approaches positive mental health from a biblical perspective.  It does claim to be for a female audience but honestly I find the concepts in it to be pretty universal.  There is a mix of good and bad reviews on the Amazon product page, which as you may know, should be taken with a grain of salt.  Everybody's experience is going to come from their own space, which may or may not match with where you are at spiritually.

I think God is calling me (in a loud voice) to "get out on my head" this Lenten season.  I think I am called to do that at every moment of every day, but what better time than Lent to try and hunker down and put in the work?  This is a lifelong un-doing for me, but I know there is a God who loves me enough to sacrifice His Son for my sins, so, why not love on myself a little as well?  Have you ever heard the phrase "if you could just see yourself the way I see you..."?  Every person on the planet has somebody that thinks they are the world.  Can we dare to think the world of ourselves?  Can we value our hearts and our spirits enough to dig deep and do the work and purify ourselves in Christ?  That is what this journey is about.   

Forgiveness and Mercy

This season is all about looking into ourselves and admitting that we are flawed and in need of God's mercy.  And in doing so, we are reminded that sometimes we need to show each other mercy.  So I set out to do just that, with a person who feels that I have hurt them, and who hurt me as well.  I really wanted to make it right.  I sent a card, in which I let them know that I was hurt, but that I also understood why things happened as they did, and that I forgive them, and I hope they can forgive me.  I wished them all the best.  I was looking to make amends and put it behind me.  Unfortunately, this person returned the card unopened, marked it "refused" and "return to sender".  So I asked the heavens what that was supposed to mean, and what I was supposed to do.  Ultimately I have received peace in knowing that I have done what I can, and I continue to pray for this other person daily.   

Our God seeks to show us His love and mercy every day.  Sometimes, we return his efforts with a giant "refused" on the envelope.  Sometimes our walls are up so thick, that we just don't think that anybody could possibly love us.  We feel empty, and we try to fill that emptiness with "things", or with "whatever feels good".  This morning our homily was about making room in our hearts for God.  That can be difficult, when we don't love ourselves fully enough.  We ask ourselves, "Am I worthy of all of this love and mercy stuff?"  The answer is--absolutely!  But what if I've messed everything up, what if my world has completely fallen apart, what if I am at my lowest of lows?  That, I would think, is when we are in the most need, and indeed--the most worthy.  God is a funny fella.  He doesn't expect us to be at our best.  He loves us at our worst.  He knows that loving the "least of these" speaks volumes more than expecting our perfection. 

It is my hope and prayer that everything I do in this season and in this life communicates that "unperfect" love to those around me.  To my family, to my kids, to my friends--I love you all unconditionally.  One thing that I think really helps is to seek understanding between each other.  If something happens that is hurtful, seek clarification.  Chances are good, things were not meant in the way they were perceived.  We can seek clarification about what our God means and wants for us too by digging into his word, by praying, and by going to church.  Fill the void you may be feeling in your heart with goodness, and good things will come back to you tenfold.  Until next time, dear readers.

Happy Lent

Call me crazy, but I think Lent is my favorite season.  Yesterday we celebrated the official beginning of Lent, with Ash Wednesday services at church.  My husband Greg and I attended the school Mass at St Luke with the kids in the morning, and I played for Mass at Holy Trinity in the evening.  This season encourages us to look into ourselves, to reflect on who we are and who God calls us to be, and to prepare for Jesus' death and resurrection.

I think a lot of people see this as a "doom and gloom" season.  All of the music in church shifts to a more minor or reflective tone.  We take the word "Alleluia"  out of the liturgy completely.  We don't sing the Gloria, we simplify musical accompaniments as much as possible.  The décor in the church is reduced.  The water fonts are drained.  We lament our humanness and we ask God to show us mercy.  We seek to be better Christians, we eliminate "junk" from our lives and try to hyper-focus on our relationship with Christ. I think there's something kind of unique and awe-inspiring, to go through a period of "suffering" that you know will end in victory.  I think of it like having children.  Those hours of labor are tough and intense, but being able to hold the baby in the end and feel their skin on yours makes it all worth it.  We know the rest of the story.  Every year we are reminded that our salvation came at a high price.  We retell the story so that we don't forget.  And in this reminder we appreciate the sacrifice Jesus made for us all the more.

Every Lent since I can remember, my husband has given up junk food.  This past fall, his battle with Covid actually reduced his craving for sweets, long term.  He never lost taste or smell or any of that, but what once was a craving, is now little more than a "eh, that was ok" experience.  So maybe he'll give up something else, something harder, this year.  Maybe not.  For me, I've never gotten into the whole "let's give something up for Lent" idea.  A couple of years ago I gave up social media, and I'm trying to do that this year a little.  But I think for me it's more an idea of what will I do instead.  If I'm giving up social media, what am I putting in it's place.  Perhaps another way to look at it is I'm giving up being disconnected, I'm giving up apathy, I'm giving up self righteousness.  It is my hope that those things can foster some more long term changes, instead of "as soon as Lent is over, I'm eating a big cake!".  Ok, so my husband has also never approached it that way, but you get the point. 

I love being a musician, because I am able to say through music what I might not be able to covey with words.  Sometimes the music falls short of that goal, I will admit, but I do my best.  I try to pray about the ministry often.  I actually do not like to perform as a general rule, which I think actually makes my job easier.  The focus while in church must be on Jesus.  If the focus is on me, then I'm doing it wrong.  And I know that as soon as I rely on myself alone, that's where things will fall short.  It's always about Him.  It is because of Him that I am able to do what I do.

And speaking of playing for church, I've been keeping busy with funerals this season.  Three this week, and one next week.  I must go get ready.  Peace to you dear readers.